For immediate release, and long before anyone asked.
The Bureau of Auditory Surveillance confirmed today that Subject 1 has not listened to an album from first track to last since March. Several have been "nearly" finished. The Bureau notes that "nearly" is not a category and has declined to create one.
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Responding to persistent rumours, the Bureau stated that there is no Subject 2, there has never been a Subject 2, and anyone who says otherwise should be listening more carefully. The Bureau's monitoring remains focused on one person, whom it adores in a purely professional way.
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The Bureau announced a review of Advisory 26-14, under which saxophone solos exceeding nine minutes must be reported to a supervisor. Early findings suggest the supervisor has not been taking the calls, and is, in fact, in the audience.
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Following a number of enquiries, the Bureau wishes to make clear that it has no interest in your playlist. It has, however, noted that the playlist is called "Chill Vibes (Final) (Final 2)," and it has questions.
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The skip button will be examined for wear, over-use, and signs of impatience. The Bureau expects to find all three. A summary will be published in the Annual Report, in the part marked classified.
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Investigators will establish how many songs constitute "one more." Preliminary evidence suggests the answer is between one and eleven, and that the subject knew perfectly well.
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The Bureau thanks the many citizens who have used the Report a Suspicious Listener form. Each report has been received and filed. The Bureau already knew.
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In a brief statement to nobody, a Bureau spokesperson said the Bureau regrets nothing, and has no plans to begin. The spokesperson then ended the call, which had not started.
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